My passion for Japan
Japan has always been the country I was most interested in. Initially through manga and later through books, I grew up idealizing it. I will share here MY experience. Even though I’ve spoken with many foreigners, this remains my personnal point of view. Additionnally, this is how I see things for now, however, my perpective might change over time. Please, note that I may generalise, however, my perspective at times, but my opinion is based on the majority of japanese people I met, who were around 24yo and lived in Tokyo. This, of course, doesn’t represent all japanese people. I will mainly discuss the differences with French culture and challenges I’ve faced. Despite these aspects, living in Japan remains my ultimate goal. Feel free to share your personnal experience as well.
A Japan with various aspects
When I arrived in Tokyo, as you may have read my reports during my year, I used to walk across the city daily. In terms of transportation, because it’s expensive, I’ve decided that next time I go there, I’ll buy a bike. Even after a year, I still love exploring Tokyo. Thanks to its diversity, you can visit temples, shopping centers and parks all within the same district.
As for Japan in general, since the Shinkansen (Japanese bullet train) is expensive for me, I mainly used night buses and planes for my trips. Renting a car is also a great option (though I personally can’t drive). The northern part of Japan is less popular among tourists and I still have so many places left I want to visit as Shikoku island. For me, one of the best places in Japan is Kyushu Island, which I loved visiting. However, my favorite destinations remain Ishigaki and Iriomote islands in Okinawa Prefecture. Went there alone and watching fish along the coral reefs, venturing into tropical forests, and admiring incredible sunsets made this the best trip of my life.
Japanese people
Positive aspects
As you may have understood, living in Japan is incredible for me, no matter the time. The Japanese, on the other hand, have a completely different culture compared to the French one, which makes living in Japan not always easy for me. I really appreciate the respect Japanese people have for their surroundings. For example, trains, streets, and even toilets are so clean, which makes Japan a pleasant place to live on a daily basis. Most Japanese people are curious about foreigners, and since I’m French, I’m really lucky because they generally have a very good image of France.
I had some great conversations during my trip to Japan with elderly Japanese people who approached me to learn more about me. Overall, it was always a good experience, even if, as I mentioned, the people who came to talk to me were generally older (which isn’t a problem at all). That what is really funny because old japanese have less “filters”. They come; naturally talk with you which isn’t generally the case with younger japanese. On that point, it has always been nice experiences. Kindness of some of japanese is always cheering. It can be explain by “tatemae” which consist of not openly sharing your emotions. For some people it what make japanese perfect, for other’s like me, it’s a good things on everyday life but when you want to create a deep relation with someone, that’s problematic and it’s for me the main reason that make japan tough to live in…
Negative aspects
For the context, I’m a 24yo man, I came alone with a working holiday visa for one year to study japanese in a linguistic school (I think it has an impact on my relations). Also an important aspect is that I’m an hypersensitive (which make my feelings more importante in many situations). I’m naturally introvert but try to be more extravert and I’m not the kind of people to go alone in bars to meet people. I think than depending if you are introvert or extravert, it has an impact on your experience in Japan. I will first try to explain in a neutral way how I understood japanese and then share my personnal experience. Everything I will say is focus on the differences of culture, but I’m not here to impose my culture to them, I just have to adapt myself.
Difference of culture that make relations more complex
Communication:
Japanese people barely never talk about their feelings or point of view which make deep conversations complicated to have (even in couples). A 50-year-old Russian told me: “during a relationship with a Japanese person (whether it’s friendship or something else), as a foreigner, even if we don’t really share our feelings, over time, they will read us like an open book because, even without wanting to, foreigners still share a bit of themselves. On the other hand, Japanese people remain a closed book for us”. I somewhat agree with this and I think for a Japanese person to open up to you is possible, but it takes a loooot of time.
Building deep relationships with Japanese people isn’t easy and takes time. It’s often said that Japanese people are shy, but I don’t think that’s true. Among the foreigners I met, some who live in Japan for over ten years and speak really well japanese told me they don’t really have Japanese friends. Sometimes they told me that their social circle of Japanese people they talk to is mainly limited to their coworkers. Unfortunately, I think than japanese people tend to separate their work and their own social life (which isn’t always the case in France).
In Japan, the ability to read between the lines is really common (I’m not good at it yet…). Since they will rarely open up to you, you need to understand their codes. In Japanese, we call that 空気を読む (pronounced kūki wo yomu), which means “reading the air.” The “ghosting” culture (ignoring someone) is also quite common in Japan (much more than in France), which can make relationships sometimes complicated (at least for me). Sometimes you talk to a japanese and the day after, no answer… They do that because they prefer to avoid the problem than solving it… You might find this normal, but I was surprised that Japanese people read a message, don’t reply to it and sometimes reply 6 hours later. At first, it took me a while to understand it was common for them… (generally in France; you can take time to read it but when you read it, you answer to it). Someone told me that, in terms of communication, Japanese and French people are at extreme opposites, with Americans in the middle.
Spending Time Alone:
Another impact is that Japanese people enjoy spending time alone, which, of course, is a good thing. It’s just that, generally, after work, they will often go back to their homes, stay alone and do nothing. Compared to French people who tend to go out to bars with their friends, it was another difference I have difficulty to understand.
Definition of friendship is also different to France. Even though it depends on the person, generally in France, if you live in the same city as your best friends, you will meet them generally once a week. However, in Japan, they meet their best friends once a month (which make sense because they will generally stay alone after work). Meeting Japanese people is also complicated because, at least in Tokyo (I’m not sure about other cities), you have to book a day out, sometimes two weeks or even a month in advance. For French people, we can plan to meet on the same day, so there’s a huge cultural gap, which can be a bit frustrating at times.
Importance of work
Culture of work is know to be important is east Asia. I never went in china or south corea but for me it’s soo important in Japan. If you’re looking for a Starbucks in the evening, Starbucks are often full of workers using their computers, sometimes until 10:30 pm. Sometimes they don’t love doing this; it’s just societal pressure. Personnally, I had a japanese friends who even spent her day off at working from home. For me, it’s completely nonsense, tried to give my point of view at the beginning but it’s part of there culture, I understood I couldn’t change it and just had to accept it. The thing that they generally wanna have more free times but don’t make anything to change it so have difficulty to understand.
A culture gap
There are also many aspects of Japanese culture that I still have difficulty understanding, like their attitude toward cheating. Generally, having a physical relationship with someone you pay for is not considered cheating by some Japanese people. It’s kind of weird when they think that French people cheat a lot compared to Japan, when, in fact, it’s the opposite. In France, it’s not well seen, and I think people cheat much less than in Japan. I don’t judge them, but there are aspects of their culture I’m still trying to figure out.
My personal experience
Dating apps
Because I had difficulty meeting Japanese people, after three months, I started using a dating app: Bumble. If you want to use one, I don’t recommend Tinder. Unfortunately, because I was a foreigner staying for only one year, in my case, finding Japanese people and having deep conversations within a year was complicated (whether as friends or not). Overall, from my point of view, relationships formed through dating apps are unfortunately often superficial, even though they allowed me to meet many people. Unfornutaley, I don’t talk to any japanese I met on Bumble, but fortunately, I keep talking to foreigners I met on it so it’s always a good way to make friends. Generally, I would recommend doing sports and expanding your social circle if you are looking for a serious relationship with a Japanese person.
They are also “gaijin hunter” that you may meet by using date apps. You probably already heard about it. Generally; I would say you can spend good moments, just that some of them only wanna talk to pratice their english, want to have sex with a foreigner to see what it make or to see what is to date a foreigner but doesn’t look for anything serious. In my case, even if I don’t really know, because I lost contact with all japanese people I met on that app, even if I can’t really know, I probably met some gaijin hunter.
A society that make relation more complex
Maybe because I’m French and/or hypersensitive, I had difficulty understanding that Japanese people generally prioritize their work over personal relation (friendship or relationships). The importance of work is ingrained in their culture, and I can’t change that. I’ve heard three stories about a foreigner who married a Japanese woman abroad, lived abroad for 10 years, come back in Japan and then got divorced. Because Japanese society has a huge influence on them (maybe this is more true for women, I’m not sure), it’s always complicated to understand why people follow the negative aspects of society even when they are aware of them. I personally experienced that situation after six months and it’s always complicated to know whether you’re expecting too much or if Japanese people simply need less affection.
My conclusion on that experience
To be honest, I managed the loneliness well during first 3months, after that tried meeting japanese, but it gradually turned into a really bad feeling toward the end because of culture gap. I heard from two French expats who have been living in Japan for over 10 years that they found it was a mistake to focus only on making Japanese friends because the cultural differences are often difficult to manage make generally relations too complicated. Even though I thought I could be different, talking with Japanese people showed me that making friends in Japan as a French person may not be as easy as expected, and it’s not just about me but also about people from other countries, such as China, Russia, Mongolia, etc. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, but you have to accept that you can’t expect a Japanese person to act like a friend from your home country. It’s all about finding balance. Everyone has their own balance, and it’s up to you to find yours. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read everything.